Howdy, boys and girls! As I write this, we're running headlong into
the holiday season. It's amazing how we've managed to cram 742
holidays into one month, and most of them somehow involve going to the mall. However, you're probably reading this a little after the new year, still hung over with credit card bills and realizing the folly of all the "no payments 'til '99" promises. While December has the largest holiday density, very few of them are of the easygoing variety. They all seem to involve immersing yourself in a massive crowd of people, fighting for Furbies or an icy cold beverage. By the way… anyone notice that the Furbies were selling like crazy, but no one seemed to want the Microsoft Talking Barneys?
Enough of that! I have the amazing ability to think forward a few weeks into the future, and I imagine the situation that is before us all. Too much adventure and not enough sleep during the holidays have left us staring straight into the new year without the desire to get back into the swing of things. Quit thinking of yourself! Your Mac feels the same way too. Remember all of that software you installed in the last month? Some of you were blessed by Santa, receiving some games or perhaps a Voodoo card. So now, you and your Mac are worn out and need to get back to business.
So without further delay, I boldly suggest a few New Years' Resolutions for your Mac and you.
 
Tidy Up
  You know what I mean! Clean up and rebuild your desktop. A good
rule of thumb: if you can't see your background graphic, you have
to much crud on your desktop. Change your icons, fonts, and background pictures. Don't be afraid to make a few backgrounds to fit the mood of the month. Download some new soundsets from the OS 8.5 Theme archive, conveniently located at http://themes.hellyeah.com/ . There's nothing like installing the Sanford & Son soundset and a few funky icons to give you and your Mac a swift kick in the pants. All of these little things do add up. You'll have a better feeling about yourself and your Mac… and you'll avoid real work for hours.
 
Make Your Mac Happy
  Don't forget that if you make your Mac happy, he or she will return
the favor. Here are a few tips to get you started so that 1999 is the
most productive yet:
• Leave a CD in the tray when you leave so that your Mac has something to listen to (in case of boredom).
• Move your Mac to a better location (preferably within view of another Mac).
• Never consider using your Mac as a stunt double (that's the job of an expendable Wintel box).
• Turn on speech recognition and put the microphone near the speakers (since they can't use the keyboard, this makes it easier for them).
• Buy a talking Taco Bell dog (every Mac deserves a pet).
• Invest in computer endorphins experimentation (one day, Macs everywhere will thank you).
• Pop the Windows 98 CD in the tray, just so you (or your Mac) can put it in the trash (play time, of course).
• Leave references to "Eye of the Tiger" and other '80s pop song lyrics all over your Mac (this is for your Macs protection). It can be used for deception should a Windows user sit down at the keyboard.
• Put PlayStation games in the CD tray. It's my belief that it will only be a matter of time before your Mac figures out how to play it.
• Resolve to never open the case with a crowbar (they simply don't like it).
 
Ready Yet?
  By participating in these exercises, you'll prepare yourself and your
Mac for 1999. So get off the couch (unless there's another bowl game
on), do some warm-ups, and dive right into it. You don't have to go at this cold turkey. Bring a bowl of pretzels or chips with you to acclimatize yourself to the new environment away from the TV (Mac users with TV cards installed in their Macs gain points here). In no time, you'll be back in the swing of things, working as usual. Heck, you may even be able to pay off those credit card bills!
Of course, if you have any other New Years' Resolutions and would like to share them with me, email me at macjunkie@applewizards.net and maybe, just maybe, I'll post some next month so that everyone can have a good year.
